Ending 2019 Without My Four Legged Best Friend

Warning: This post is going to be sad
For those of you that are new to following me, you may not know but in October 2019 I was on vacation and my 6 year old boston terrier, aka my best friend on four legs, went missing. He was staying with a friend while we were on vacation and decided to break free from their backyard and unfortunately, no one could catch him when they saw him running.  My little man, Liam is his name, is probably the most scared dog I have ever met in my life. He has always been this way, the vet told me when he was a puppy that like some humans, some dogs just are afraid of things, so this didn’t help matters when kids and adults ran and called after him. For many agonizing days as I was stuck on a ship in other countries people that didn’t know me, my dog, or the friends that had been watching him, gathered together and helped in trying to find and catch Liam, but unfortunately this was unsuccessful.  He would be seen briefly running at record speeds down a bike path, or through a yard, but he was too fast and then he was gone. 

By the time I returned home, no one was seeing him anymore.  We continued the searches, day in and day out, barely eating or sleeping, just biking, walking, and searching.  Flyers were out, signs were out, social media posts were everywhere, local shelters and groomers knew all about him, it felt like every stone was being turned over. As the days turned into weeks, we turned to things like pet communicators, which if anything, at least makes me feel like he is still out there and alive.  We reached out to dog trackers, but we were told it was too late. We had traps out for 2 months, but they caught nothing but raccoons. We had a camera, which caught the same. I continue to post to social media sites every few days, in hopes that someone new might see it, or just to make sure everyone knows to still be on the lookout.  Throughout this experience I have heard so many stories from so many others who have lost a pet and had it returned or lost a pet and never saw it again. There is so much that is unknown and every day it is a battle with my mind and my heart.

Why am I writing this?  I am writing this because I know someone out there is going through the same thing.  Until we went through it, I never knew what it was like. It is one of the worst feelings I could have ever imagined.  I do not have human children, so I cannot compare, but he was my child as I decided not to have children in my life. He was my best friend.  Losing him has been like losing a part of me. My days are very different now. I don’t have him depending on me. I don’t have him following me around, wanting to know my every move.  He isn’t there to cuddle me on the couch or the bed, or greet me at the door. The guilt I feel daily about not spending as much time with him because I always felt I had more time hangs over my head.  

I see constant posts on places like Nextdoor about how people must be bad pet owners because there are constantly lost dog posts, and it breaks my heart and I have to fight back.  My little boy was so spoiled rotten. I did everything I could on the small salary I have to provide him with the best food possible, the healthiest treats possible, and anything I could to make sure he lived a very healthy lifestyle. So if you are someone reading this that might also be going through the same pain, understand that it is ok to feel angry and it is ok to feel hurt.  Also know there are amazing people out there that are willing to help. I can’t believe the amount of support we have had over the last 2+ months while we have been searching for Liam. Honestly, the people that have invested so much time and energy that we do not even know, it has been so amazing to me and I cannot thank them enough.  

I also find it hard not to compare myself to others that are in our same situation.  So often I wonder if I am doing enough and feel that I am not. I’m not sure what is the “right amount.”  At what point do you have to try to live your life with some semblance of normalcy before going crazy? I’ve had to tell myself that you have to do what you can without ruining your life.  

Going into the new year without my four legged best friend by my side is one of the hardest things ever, but the hope that so many strangers have brought to me and continue to bring to me every day is what keeps me going.  I hope that eventually I will have an amazing homecoming story to report to you all, but until then, please continue to keep your eyes open and ears peeled.  

Liam, wherever you are, I love you, I hope that you are safe, and that you come home to us very soon.